National Hugging Day

National Hugging Day

In honor of National Hugging Day, we at Uncomfortable Hug are posting the following sketch to get you in the mood for sharing the love.

BITCH SLAP O’ GRAM

by John A. Mathews

INT. – OFFICE

Several people are speaking at once.  CARL, a typical guy in his 30’s, sits in the meeting trying to speak but goes unheard.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Tired of no one listening to what  you have to say?

INT – HOME

CARL sees the garbage can is full and there are cob webs on the stove.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Is nothing getting done at work OR at home?

INT – CALL CENTER

Several phone operators answer calls from behind the ANNOUNCER, who stands, resting his foot on the desk of one of the operators, who looks annoyed.

ANNOUNCER
Maybe you need, BITCH SLAP-O-GRAM!

A giant hand appears and slaps the camera.

INT – OFFICE

EILEEN GRIMMACE, thirty-something, sits at her cubicle talking on the phone.

EILEEN
I don’t have time to make dinner tonight.
We’ll just have to order in.

A large, muscular, African American man, MR. Z, appears with a list of names.

Mr. Z
Eileen Grimmace?

EILEEN
Yes?

SMACK!  Mr. Z slaps her across her face.

MR. Z
(monotone voice)

Carl says you better have dinner on the table by 6.
Oh, and he loves you.

INT – CALL CENTER

The Announcer takes a cup of coffee from the hands of one of the call center staff and takes a sip.  The staff member looks agitated.

ANNOUNCER
Now, with Bitch Slap-O-Gram, you know your message is always getting across!

INT – Hallway of high school.

A group of boys are walking past lockers.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Whether it’s family members.

Mr. Z appears and SLAPS the boy in the middle of the group.

INT – Large office

An older, bald man sits behind an oversized desk yelling on the phone.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Supervisors.

Mr. Z *SLAPS* the man who falls out of his chair.  He then pulls out his list of names and looks at the man on the floor.

MR. Z
Do you mind if I use your phone?

INT – DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES

A large line of people stand in line.  CARL looks to the camera in frustration.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
People at the DMV.

Mr. Z appears and starts SMACKING people out of the way for Carl.

INT – MORTUARY

People grieving stand around an open casket.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Even the dead.

Mr. Z jumps up on the casket and straddles it while SLAPPING the body repeatedly.

MR. Z
You never really loved…

He looks at his list of names.

MR. Z (CONT’D)
Sharlene!

INT – CALL CENTER

The announcer takes a sandwich from one of the call center staff and starts eating while talking.

ANNOUNCER
Call today and receive 5 Bitch Slap-O-Grams
for the price of 4.

SUPER: 5 Bitch Slap-O-Grams for the price of 4!

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
That’s right, 5 Bitch Slap-O-Grams
for the price of 4.
Isn’t it time you took a stand in this world?

Mr. Z *SLAPS* the announcer from out of the blue and then reads from his sheet,

MR. Z

You treat your staff like crap.
(To camera)
What are you waiting for, Bitches?

SUPER over Mr. Z while Announcer reads:

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
BITCH SLAP-O-GRAMS ARE GIVEN
AT THE SOLE DISCRETION OF THE CLIENT.
BITCH SLAP O’GRAMS INCORPORATED
NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SLAPPING PEOPLE
WHO ARE NOT ACTUALLY BITCHES.

A larger African American man, DR. KILL, walks up to MR. Z.

DR. KILL
Are you Mr. Z?

MR. Z
Yes.

Dr. Kill punches Mr. Z in the face, then reads from his notes.

DR. KILL
Pay your optometrist on time!
Courtesy of Sam’s Punch-O-Grams.

BLACKOUT

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Slap – http://www.flickr.com/photos/7623271@N08/4313900958/

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