“POPCORN!”

“POPCORN!”

By John A. Mathews

This sketch goes out to everyone who enjoys some popcorn with their drama, or vice versa.

EXT – DODGER STADIUM

CHUCK and LARRY walk up and down opposite aisles at the ballpark.  The seats are packed with fans.

CHUCK
Popcorn!  Get your popcorn here!

LARRY
Peanuts!  Salted Peanuts!

CHUCK
Hi Larry!  Popcorn!

LARRY
Chuck!  Peanuts!  Why didn’t you
make the poker game?  Peanuts!

CHUCK
Because I found out for sure
last night!  Popcorn!

LARRY
She’s cheating on you?!  Peanuts!

The fans start to get interested.

CHUCK
I found her with Peter, naked
and sweaty – Popcorn!

LARRY
Not in bed?!  Peanuts!

CHUCK
They were mid-Popcorn!

LARRY
What the hell did you do?
Peanuts!

CHUCK
I did what any guy would do!
Popcorn!

A guy at the end of one of the rows raises his hand,

RICHARD
I’ll take a bag.

The rest of the fans gets frustrated.

CHUCK
That’ll be five dollars.

RICHARD
Can you break a twenty?

CARL, a spectator in a Cubs Jersey screams out,

CARL
Enough with the change already!
(embarrassed)
Give him exact change next time…

CHUCK
It’s OK sir.  Thank you for
your concern.

They exchange money and then CHUCK continues to walk.

CHUCK (CONT’D)
Popcorn!  Where was I?

All the fans are engaged again.

LARRY
In the bed!  You found him
nailing her with his – Peanuts!
Peanuts!

CHUCK
So I open the door, I sees
what’s going on, and I crap
my – Popcorn!

LARRY
Peanuts!

A dad in glasses next to his son raises his hand for popcorn.

CHUCK
And I yell, “Somebody isn’t
getting out of here alive!
Popcorn!

The dad slowly lowers his hand.

CHUCK (CONT’D)
You want some popcorn guy?

DAD
No, I…changed my mind.

CHUCK
You sure?  Only five dollars.

DAD
(pulling his son closer)
Yeah, I’m sure.

CHUCK walks on.

LARRY
Peanuts!  So did you cut off
his nuts?!  Peanuts!

CHUCK
Popcorn!  I did one better!
I opened up my dresser
drawer and I pulled out my
gun!  Popcorn!

LARRY
(facing Chuck)
Are you fricking nuts?!
Pea-nuts?!

CHUCK
Look, he was in Jeana’s hot
–  Popcorn!  So I took the gun,
shoved it in his face and then,
POPcorn!

The fans jump.

LARRY
Peanuts!  Mary Joseph Peanuts!

A man in a windbreaker gets up to leave.

CHUCK
You want some popcorn mister?

WINDBREAKER MAN
Um…no.

LARRY
Holy F-ing Peanuts!

CHUCK
You sure?  You look hungry.

LARRY
Peanuts peanuts peanuts
peanuts PEANUTS!

WINDBREAKER MAN
I was just…stretching.

The man in the windbreaker sits back down.

CHUCK
Popcorn!  So I shoves the body
in a large bag of Popcorn!
In the trunk of my car!

Richard, who was eating his popcorn, now spits it out.

LARRY
What about Jeana?  Peanuts!

CHUCK
Let’s just say that Jeana will
never again stick anything in
her dirty, filthy, whorish
Popcorn!

The fans are terrified.

LARRY
Peanuts!  You gotta turn
yourself in!  Peanuts!
It’s not right!  Peanuts!

Many fans nod together.

CHUCK
Popcorn!  I suppose what
they did in my bedroom
was right?  Maybe you’re not
the friend I thought you were!
Popcorn!

LARRY
What are you trying to say?!
Peanuts?!

CHUCK
Popcorn!  Just this!

CHUCK pulls out a gun.  The stadium fans duck.

LARRY
(whispers)
Peanuts.

CHUCK
I think maybe I’ve told you
too much, and it’s time I
ended our friendship!  Pop–!

A shot fires, but CHUCK falls over dead.  PETER, with a large bandage on his head, starts walking down CHUCK’s aisle.

PETER
The next time you think
you’ve killed a  man, make
sure the body is ice-cold,
refreshing Pepsi!  Pepsi here!

The fans all do the wave.

BLACKOUT

——————–
Popcorn image by Ayelie

2 thoughts on ““POPCORN!”

  1. Thanks Stephen. It’s hard to post scripts/sketches in the template I have, but I’m glad they’re still readable. And enjoyable, delicious, Churros! Get your Churros!

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