BURBANK, CA – The student body president of Burbank High School declared a new dictatorship Friday in a bloody display of military aggression. After promising prom dates to the members of the ROTC, Fred Webber, seventeen, organized a small militia, aided by the tactical expertise of the chess club, which eventually gained complete control of the student body government after creating a small riot during a spirit rally.
“It was a total surprise. Well, at least we still won against Northridge,” said former student body vice president, Suzie McMullen, who now spends lunchtime in what Webber is calling “Solitary Confinement”, the photography club’s darkroom.
Jimmy Fulsom, former student body treasurer, was not so lucky. His dead body remains stapled to the school’s main bulletin board, a reminder to the rest of the students that democracy is no longer an option, and that cheerleader practice has been moved to Wednesdays.
“I will have discipline! I will have respect!” shouted Webber in a recent homeroom interview, until teacher Claire Ruffis threatened to put his name on the board.
Though much of school life remains the same, some noticeable changes have been implemented by Webber. In order to keep his strong military front, Webber expects each student under his rule to spend at least one week in his ROTC militia. The Decorations Committee has also been ordered to include Webber’s new insignia on all banners – a knife through a U.S. government textbook.
The faculty members have yet to recognize Webber’s student body sovereignty, but neither have they condemned his political aggressiveness.
“It’s a perfect example of a Roman Caesarian rise to power in a democratic society,” said history teacher Suzanne Mills, who gave Webber extra credit for his despotic efforts.
Deans have issued late slips for Webber’s regiment when its domineering tactics ran a bit long, but all in all, the dictatorship has held. Webber has even revealed battle plans to invade a neighboring North Hollywood High. If successful, the “Webberfest Destiny” campaign, as students are calling it, is scheduled to claim an additional twelve high schools and one Jamba Juice by the end of next school year. Funding for the campaign is to come from profits generated from friendship bracelets and bake sales.
When asked how students felt about his dictatorship, Webber claimed that his control of the government was for their own good, and that he needed the credits for his college transcript.
“The weak can’t think for themselves, so someone must think for them. Besides, I really need to get into Stanford, so hopefully this will help,” said Webber, after which he gathered his books and rode his bicycle home. He is currently working on diplomatic relations with his parents and, if successful, will be relocating to the family basement.