Many people out there have been wondering, “What happened with our economy?” “Where did it go?” “Is this it?” “No, that’s a bottle opener.” And “Why does it cost so much for cheese here?” Of course you were probably wondering this a year ago and have lost interest since. Well, I’m finally here to break it down for you in simple terms.
Our economy is like someone who caught a bad FLU BUG, (Foreclosures Leaving Unwanted But Unpaid Gross-national-products). And since we needed to go to work and get shit done, we showed up and gave it to every other economy on the planet too. And they’re like, “Thanks ass. Why couldn’t you just stay home until you felt better? I can’t breathe now! I hope you’re happy.”
So, finally, our economy, miserable and phlegmy, went home and tried to get better with some rest and a shitload of “vitamins” or stimulus packages, which is where we are right now.
Many argue whether or not some of the vitamin supplements will even work. The Auto Industry, let’s call them “Echinacea”, is often said to cause the same symptoms it claims to help. While AIG or “Airborne”, hasn’t even been proven to do anything for anyone. (I don’t really know what AIG or Airborne does, but I think they’ve both been sued.) On the other hand there are also the Eastern medical solutions, like acupuncture, which is like forming a lot of small painful committees all over the country to “stab” at these economic problems locally. But maybe they’re doing some serious nerve damage and you don’t know because you’ve never done this before, and your girlfriend’s the one who recommended this lady, but she’s not a doctor.
All in all, the economy can’t fully recover until it has time to rest and remove the toxins from its system. But how can it rest if it’s still clogged with all this “phlegm” or debt? So it tries blowing its nose (downsizing) and coughing up phlegm (layoffs), but the mucus just keeps coming and coming. Probably because of all the expensive cheese it’s still eating (porn addiction).
At this point, the economy wonders, “Should I go to the doctor (financial experts)?” But the doctor always says the same thing: take a lot of liquids (diversify), get plenty of rest (over time), and here’s an anal probe, (put your money into steady-growth, long-term mutual funds and CDs).
So then what happens? The economy decides to just sit around watching the movie Quarantine.
And then the economy freaks out.
Because, “What if Quarantine is real? Hey, is that blood in my nose?! Son of a bitch! Did something bite us? A mosquito? Iraq? Should we get tested? I need to scrub!” And the economy bolts to the shower and starts scrubbing. And scrubbing and scrubbing. “Must get clean!” it cries, scrubbing and coughing and scrubbing. Until the economy gets tired and then rubs one out to relax (tax refund).
And then, after a few hours, the economy feels a little guilty for wasting so much water (bailout money), and a little pruney. So it gets out of the shower and looks for some delivery menus in the junk drawer (international trade options). A lot of the phlegm is gone now, a lot of the congestion is easing up, and slowly, the world doesn’t seem so horrible. And in the end the economy learns, that if it just calms down, orders some pizza, and waits it out, everything will be just fine. “Extra cheese, please.”
(John Mathews has no professional training in business or economics. At the time of this writing, he did have the flu.)