Fire Department Initiates New “We Don’t Have Time for This Crap” Program

Fire Department Initiates New “We Don’t Have Time for This Crap” Program

SAN JOSE, CA – After saving the same drowning dog for the fifth time Thursday, local firefighters put the dog to sleep in what they are calling a new “We don’t have time for this crap” Program.  The program, approved by all members of the San Jose City Council, calls for action that is in the best interest of the firemen’s time, the communities money, and the process of Darwinism.

“Last week we got a call about a potential meth lab.  It turns out it was a student looking for his math lab,” said fireman Steve Brady.  The fire department was later called back  three times for questions related to the Pythagorean Theorem.

It is estimated that, every year, millions of taxpayers’ dollars are wasted on calls that are not actual emergencies.

“We were lost in the parking structure for hours, or at least a long time.  That’s when my bro, Max, called 911.  I mean, how many levels are in here?” commented James Malloy, herbalist, who had forgotten he had taken the bus to the mall.

Under the new program, a more direct approach will occur for each non-emergency call.  Cats caught in trees will be shot on sight; high school false alarms will result in the confiscation of anything Twilight related; and cars parked in front of fire hydrants will no longer just have their windows broken, but will also be burned, demolished, and cursed by Gypsies.

Many say the initiative could not have come sooner, given that a Walmart burned down to the ground recently because local firefighters were busy trying to convince an old woman she was not actually dead.


Photo by Richard Masoner.

2 thoughts on “Fire Department Initiates New “We Don’t Have Time for This Crap” Program

  1. Thanks for the nice comment! In response to Darwinism,…hmm…technically I suppose the firemen shouldn’t have done anything to help anyone and let nature take its course if they were pursuing true Darwinism. But I saw the city as taking a more “aggressive” approach to Darwinism, in that they were putting dogs to sleep that were practically killing themselves anyway, and shooting cats out of trees, in what they thought was “speeding up the process” and eventually saving them time, (although cats can technically climb out of trees and wouldn’t die on their own from this anyway). I see your point though. Thank you for your comment!

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