SAN JOSE, CA – After saving the same drowning dog for the fifth time Thursday, local firefighters put the dog to sleep in what they are calling a new “We don’t have time for this crap” Program. The program, approved by all members of the San Jose City Council, calls for action that is in the best interest of the firemen’s time, the communities money, and the process of Darwinism.
“Last week we got a call about a potential meth lab. It turns out it was a student looking for his math lab,” said fireman Steve Brady. The fire department was later called back three times for questions related to the Pythagorean Theorem.
“We were lost in the parking structure for hours, or at least a long time. That’s when my bro, Max, called 911. I mean, how many levels are in here?” commented James Malloy, herbalist, who had forgotten he had taken the bus to the mall.
Under the new program, a more direct approach will occur for each non-emergency call. Cats caught in trees will be shot on sight; high school false alarms will result in the confiscation of anything Twilight related; and cars parked in front of fire hydrants will no longer just have their windows broken, but will also be burned, demolished, and cursed by Gypsies.
Many say the initiative could not have come sooner, given that a Walmart burned down to the ground recently because local firefighters were busy trying to convince an old woman she was not actually dead.