Air Quotes

Air Quotes

This sketch goes out to that guy.  You know who you are.

INT – LAW FIRM

MARIA, SUZANNE and TIM chat around the water cooler.

TIM
I was working on that
Brooks case for hours.

MARIA
Oh, you ended up with Brooks.

TIM
Yeah.

Staff Clown, JEFF, swaggers up to them.

JEFF
Hey there, “Model Employees”.

Jeff makes air quotes whenever something is typed here as quoted.

TIM
Hey Jeff! How’s the Nelson case?

JEFF
Oh, it’s “in the bag”.

Everyone laughs.

MARIA
The way your working
you’re going to make partner in a year.

JEFF
Partner? Then I’d really be
“Home on the range.”

Everyone laughs.

SUZANNE
You’re a nut Jeff.

JEFF
Some people say I’m
“Gone with the wind.” OW!

Jeff tries to do air-quotes, but finds it too painful.  He decides to just try and say his phrases without using air quotes. Italicized words are now where the air quotes would have been.

JEFF (CONT’D)
I’m feeling the burn.

TIM
What?

JEFF
My fingers are running on empty.

SUSANNE
Ok, you’re talking but I don’t quite understand
what you’re saying. Is that English?

JEFF
Susanne, it’s me, your little buddy.
Maria, it’s your partner in crime!

MARIA
I’m sorry, is this Pig Latin or something?

JEFF
No! Tim, tim.
Who’s the shrimp on the barbie?

TIM
Jeff, ok, so we have to guess
what you’re trying to say, is that it,
you old trickster you!

JEFF
NOOOOO!!!!

CUT TO:

INT – HOSPITAL ROOM

Jeff sits anxiously on the hospital bed. A doctor comes in with castes shaped like two hands making quotes signs.

DOCTOR GILIAN
Just try and relax Jeff.

JEFF
Doc, who pulled the plug on my fingers?

DOCTOR GILIAN
Oh, you’re trying to talk.
Please just write down your words
on this pad so I can understand.

Jeff writes down,

TEXT
Who “pulled the plug” on my fingers?

and shows it to the doctor, who LAUGHS a little.

DOCTOR GILIAN
Oh, what you’re experiencing is an advanced
stage of Quotal Tunnel Syndrome.
I’m afraid you’ll never be able to do air quotes again.

JEFF
Doc! Help me help you help me!

DOCTOR GILIAN
Please use the pad; I can’t really follow you…

Jeff writes down,

TEXT
“Help me help you help me!”

and then shows it to the doctor, who laughs a little again.

DOCTOR GILIAN
Well, there is one procedure we could try,
but it’s highly experimental!
I’m not sure if you want to risk it.

Jeff writes and shows it to the doctor:

TEXT
“Bring it on!”

DOCTOR GILIAN
Very well.

CUT TO:

INT – LAW FIRM

TIM, MARIA, and SUZANNE are chatting around the water cooler. Jeff walks in with a big smile on his face.

TIM, MARIA, SUZANNE
JEFF!

TIM
How are you buddy?

JEFF
It’s time for the,

Jeff lifts his hands to reveal giant robotic fingers which make air quotes for him.

JEFF (CON’T)
“Return of the Jedi!”

TIM
That’s the Jeff that I know!

Tim slaps Jeff on the back.

ROBOTIC FINGERS
Error: Attack on Quotations.
Initiating self-defense procedures.

TIM
What?

Jeff’s fingers shoot lasers at Tim , slicing him into pieces.

MARIA
AAAH!  Why?!

Jeff’s fingers shoot lasers into Maria and Suzanne as well, and finally destroy the water cooler.  Jeff looks at the bodies in shock.

JEFF
We’re really on the “Eve of Destruction”.

The robotic fingers make the air quotes.  Jeff laughs to himself uncomfortably.

BLACKOUT

______________

Water Cooler Photo by Jason Pratt (FishSpeaker), modified with User:David_Vasquez’s Wikimedia Foundation’s Wikinews logo by User:IlyaHaykinson [CC-BY-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons

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