Special thanks to Laura Napoli who played Chelsea Chambers and who was a comedy consultant on the shoot.

Written, directed, and edited by John A. Mathews and Uncomfortable Hug Productions.

A parody based on “Shit Girls Say” by Kyle Humphrey & Graydon Sheppard

Written, Directed, and Edited By: John A. Mathews
Starring and Improvised By: Dwayne Colbert
Director of Photography / Lighting: Marco Ponta
Hair and Makeup / Sound / Background Klingon: Roger Normandie
Background Characters / Comedy Consultant: Wanru Tseng
Producer, Catering, and Costume Design: Esther Ramirios
Music by: Setuniman, www.Freesound.org

Special Thanks to Ryan Stubbe for referring me to freesound.org, Pete Sauber for giving me ideas about how to make a room look like a spaceship, and Norman Wong for giving me notes about an earlier version.

We’ve become a bit more erratic with our postings as we’ve been working on an animated pilot and some other side projects.  For that, we apologize.  We also didn’t want the quality of our postings to deteriorate because of it and felt fewer postings would be better than a whole lot of crappy postings.

• If you disagree, please let us know by putting several unhappy faces in the comment section.
• If you agree, please enter some lines from the Declaration of Independence in the comments section.
• If you think Adventure Time is awesome, then please put your favorite Adventure Time quote in the comments sections.

Thanks everyone for understanding.  More coming soon!  Or later!  Only the Ice King knows!

-John

—–
Sick Pig by Ollie Crafoord from Stockholm, Sweden (Sick pig. ) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Save it for December?  Well, we’ll exchange it at that time.

—–

INT. – LARGE CONFERENCE ROOM

Christmas decorations cover the room. FLORENCE, an overly excited, lonely coworker, waves people over to a circle of chairs.

FLORENCE
Gather around everyone! Gather
around! Okay! Did everyone bring
a gift for the White Elephant Gift
Exchange?

EVERYONE
(moaning)
Yes.

FLORENCE
Remember, it should have been
something you just found around
your house. Nobody actually bought
any gifts did they?

EVERYONE
(moaning)
No.

FLORENCE
And remember, you can’t pick
your own gift. Now, who has number 1?

Dan, the skinny, quiet guy from accounting raises his hand.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
Dan! Great! Now, remember, you
can’t pick your own gift.

Dan walks up and grabs a large box. He opens it up in front of everyone and then pulls out what’s inside.

DAN
It’s empty beer bottles.

FLORENCE
Yeah!…Um..okay….Those are worth
five cents each!

DAN
Do I have to keep this?

FLORENCE
Well we don’t want to offend
whoever brought these in. And look-

Florence grabs a bottle.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
It’s like a homemade Kaleidoscope!
Careful or someone’s going to steal
from you! Now, who’s number 2?

SHERYL, a pepper haired woman from customer relations, jumps up and opens another box.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
(clapping)
Yeah Sheryl!

SHERYL
It’s…Carl’s high school diploma.

CARL
Take it.

SHERYL
Oh…thanks.

FLORENCE
That’s…great Carl.

SHERYL
What am I supposed to do with
this?

FLORENCE
Well, it could make a nice table
mat or perhaps a distinguished
looking bookmark! Okay, who’s
next?

Chuck, the stout Office Manager, gets up and grabs a large pink bag.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
(clapping slighly less)
Yeah Chuck.

CHUCK
Lint.

FLORENCE
What?

CHUCK
It looks like blue lint from a
dryer, and not even a lot of it.

FLORENCE
Okay, well, that’s just…a good
sign of cleanliness. Everyone,
these are still supposed to be
GIFTS! Okay? Still gifts.

DAN
I’ll trade you the beer bottles for
the lint.

FLORENCE
(stressed)
No trading until the end! Sorry!
People can steal however if they
haven’t opened their gifts yet.
Who’s next?

CARL, old and bitter, gets up for his turn.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
(clapping less excitedly)
Yeah Carl.

Carl looks at each person’s gifts. Dan pretends to be drinking his empty beer bottles. Sheryl waves the high school diploma at him. Chuck makes a lint beard. Carl decides to grab for something new and opens up a wrapped bag.

CARL
A severed head.

FLORENCE
Well, now, that probably…belongs
to someone. I’m not sure if that
can be given away.

Carl sits down pretty satisfied with his choice.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
Um…do we…go on?

STUART, the nerdy sales rep, jumps up.

STUART
I’m next.

Stuart grabs the severed head and sits down. Carl, disappointed, grabs the lint. Chuck grabs the empty beer bottles. Dan grabs another package.

DAN
This is just used wrapping
paper…from one of the previous
gifts.

STUART
Some of us didn’t have time to pick
something out, jerk-off.

FLORENCE
Well, that can be used for all
kinds of wrapping needs! Ok, I
guess I’ll pick now, and I…will
take the last gift on the table.

Florence opens the final gift.

FLORENCE (CONT’D)
Oh! Candlesticks! Exciting!

STUART
Hey, you brought that in.

FLORENCE
What?

STUART
That’s your gift. You said we
can’t pick our own gifts.

FLORENCE
No, I don’t remember that. Well,
gift exchange over!

CHUCK
Yeah, those are supposed to be the
rules.

Florence grabs one of the empty beer bottles and breaks it over Chuck’s head before running off.

BLACKOUT